I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
