The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
