I feel like I'm in dance class right now
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
