Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize