drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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