true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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