I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
