My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Everclear isn't food dammit
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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