I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
