This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
