i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
