i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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