I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
