He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
