the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
