Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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