thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
