Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
So many bounce houses so little time
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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