They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
