i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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