I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
