I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
