There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
