The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I will be naked everywhere
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
