You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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