That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
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