So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
