i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
