So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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