Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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