I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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