Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
even my farts smell like vagina
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
