Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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