just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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