Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
