MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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