I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
