Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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