By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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