if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
