I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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