Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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