Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
