You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
