my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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