Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
