We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
porn star boner night. come get it.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
