What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
