I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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