and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
