I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
