Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
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these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
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I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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