I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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