if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
