I accidentally burped into my bong.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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