I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
