It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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