On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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