Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
