Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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