I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
