I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
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i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
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Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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